About Me

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I'm a glass-half-full type of girl. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, grave's disease and celiac disease in 2010 and life-altering allergies in 2013. I believe having a positive attitude is the only way to live with dis-ease. I also believe that life doesn't have to be PERFECT for it to be WONDERFUL. Dis-ease is expensive, so I live a frugal yet healthy lifestyle. This is just my blog; my day-to-day story.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Struggling with fear.

I need to have a talk with myself about my attitude lately. I have been overly critical of myself, doing a lot of negative self-talk, and judging myself in ways I would never do with others. I blamed myself for getting glutened from a restaurant last week, blamed myself for high and low blood sugars that I'm currently experiencing, chastised myself for not being able to walk 30 minutes on the treadmill without pain in my spine. I'd hear a voice barking at me that I didn't drink enough water today. That I shouldn't eat a brownie when I'm trying to watch my weight. All I could hear myself say was fail fail fail. I've been setting myself up to feel really bad.

I'm sure most of this is stemming out of frustration. I'm upset with my current situation and feel confined. I'm lashing out because I am angry that I have no sense of control over my health. That no one can fix me and stop these bad things from happening to me. I've felt angry that I can work to do everything right with my current auto-immune diseases, do everything the doctors tell me to do, and then have something like this (an out-of-the-blue spinal cord injury) happen. This injury took one thing away from me that I'm not sure I can get back- a sense of security.

After everything that happened in 2010, it took me a long time to feel safe again; that I wasn't going to lose my life. In fact, I'd say it took a full 2 years for me to begin to feel secure, to feel like the events of 2010 were behind me and the auto-immune disease diagnoses were done and I could focus on managing the diseases instead of living in fear of getting diagnosed with another. I began to look at 2010 as a part of the past and felt positive about the future.

And then July 2012 happened. And it washed away my sense of health, stability and security. I felt vulnerable all over again; no sense of control over my life, not being able to stop nor prevent health issues with life-altering consequences. The spinal cord injury was not preventable, which is worse than if it were preventable. Because if it were preventable, then going forward I could prevent it from happening again. Who could have seen something like this coming?

I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like to feel scared. I don't like to feel that I can't control what happens to me and that something else could happen to me again. I can't shake the fear that another health scare is going to sneak up on me and take something else away from me. Each illness chips away a little part of the enjoyable parts of my life.

There isn't a person alive that can make me feel secure right now; not a doctor, not a friend, not even a family member. Until you've experienced the fear stemming from multiple, back-to-back, life-altering health conditions, you just can't know how damn frightening it is. In an attempt to gain back some calm and peace in my mind, I've begun reading a new book, Calming Your Anxious Mind: how mindfulness & compassion can free you from anxiety, fear & panic. I'm hoping to take back some of the control that this latest event stole from me. I need to gain back control.

As I was sitting here tonight, I ran my fingers over the incision site on the front of my neck. The incision is still swollen like bee-stung lips. I pressed on it and it still is tender; it's like a soft spot on a newborn baby's head. I feel like if I pressed hard enough, my finger would go right through it. It made me feel slightly nauseous so I took my finger off it. Sometimes I need to run my fingers over it to prove it actually happened at all.

I'm struggling with fear and I'm hoping this too shall pass. And I'm afraid that airing to everyone what I'm struggling with makes me look weak and stupid. I hope you don't think that of me. Just know that I am working really hard to rebuild right now.

3 comments:

  1. I think it is very, very good that you can write about this. The latest Smithsonian magazine has an article about another brave woman, Suu Kyi, who was under house arrest for many years in Burma for being a pacifist. She was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. She survived the mind games with Buddhist meditation. Perhaps this may help you find calm. One of your fans, and Tu Madre to my daughter w/ celiac.

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  2. oh nikki, you do not look "weak and stupid". you are young, strong and smart. you look after yourself and you do the very best you can with what you've been given. it's only been a short time since your surgery. take small steps and keep that smile on your face. and remember, if you need a boost, we're all here to give you one whenever you need one!

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  3. Dude, you have been through a LOT in the past handful of years. You have every right to feel the way you do, and in fact, I'd question your sanity if you didn't.

    You are doing such a great service to humanity by so bravely sharing your story - and I mean ALL of your story, not just the good parts.

    The Lord works in mysterious ways, and you can feel confident that he's working through you with all of this.

    Much love, support, energy, and well-wishes coming your way from your bloggity neighbor. :-)

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