Maybe it's the change of the season, with warm weather here and everybody running around in good moods, feeling free and happy. But I find that since the sunshine has arrived I've grown inpatient with all the attention I must give to my diseases; I want to run around and be carefree, too. The coming of the warm weather brought with it a sense of freedom that many of us living with diseases don't always get to fully experience.
I've noticed since the warm weather has arrived, I have been a little less type A about my BGs and have not been checking it as often (normally every 2 hours). Even with my celiac, I was SOOOOO tempted on Friday to go to Burger King and get a Whopper- something I haven't been able to have in 3 years- and eat it, regardless of how sick it would make me or the intestinal damage that would take months to heal. There was just this feeling, this URGE, to do "normal" people things for a while, like spontaneously eating out on a whim without having to plan everything out in advance and do the research needed. I miss the spontaneity in life that having disease steals from you.
But alas, I am much too careful and responsible to ever knowingly eat gluten, even if I do occasionally day dream about it. I have never cheated in the 3 years I've had it. And as for my 'betes, I still manage it closely and my pump is reporting a 7-day bg average of 103, so I must not be doing too horrible of a job, even though I've slacked a bit lately.
Last week I sold my dresser on Craig's List. It's all part of a larger overhaul of my life I'm in the process of. Little by little, I'm getting rid of a lot of my stuff; stuff that I don't love and doesn't really fit in my life anymore. My new life motto is Simple And Transparent. Simple meaning not having a ton of crap that soaks up all the energy in my house, collects dust and clutters up my closets, and only keeping that which has use and/or meaning to me. Transparent meaning what you see with me is what you get- no shame or embarassment in who I am or how I live, no more hiding things. Yes, my life has many limitations and anyone who choses to be a part of my life (friendship or otherwise) will have to accept that. I have lived with a lot of guilt the last three years; guilt in feeling bad for putting others through my diseases. I felt guilty that people didn't know how to cook gluten free for me, guilty that I couldn't go out to eat at just any restaurant, guilty that I would have a severe low blood sugar which would make me feel like I "ruined" someone's evening. I felt guilty that I had to subject others to my diseases; that inevitably they affected other people whether I wanted them to or not. Trying to downplay these diseases and act like they aren't a big part of my life when they absolutely are. But then I had a Good Will Hunting moment in my life, you know that scene in the movie where Robin Williams corners Matt Damon against the wall and repeatedly says "It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault." Yeah, I had that moment with myself. It was time to quit blaming myself for getting sick, it was time to quit feeling guilty for what I felt was "inconveniencing" others with my diseases. Because it isn't my fault that I have them. I need to STOP feeling like less of a person, less worthy. I'm not entirely sure how to accomplish this, but I'm working on it.
Overall though, life's been good. I know my blog has been quiet; it was just me taking the time needed to plan the overhaul in my life, meditate, and calmly think of what I want the next steps in my life to be. Sometimes you gotta get real quiet with yourself in order to hear what your conscious mind is whispering to you. It's been a great journey. I feel very positive about life, about my future. It also involved evaluating relationships with people and beginning the process of slowly weeding toxic people out of my life for good. Energy suckers is what I call them. I want to surround myself with positive-minded, caring people. Have you read the book The Magic by Rhonda Byrne? If you haven't, pull up a session of Amazon RIGHT NOW and go buy this book today. It's amazing! I have already read it and am starting over because I read it after my spinal cord surgery when I wasn't really ready for its message.
I have been thinking A LOT about all of you who read my blog, and have felt a pure sense of thankfulness in my heart that there are people out there that care enough to read my blog, and also people that care enough to comment and say something to me. It means so much to me. I try to read everyone else's blogs, too, because there is so much to learn from others going through the same things as you. It just fills my heart with so much love.
I'll be on the blog this week, and *hoping* to be on #DSMA on Wednesday night. Speaking of, does anyone know of any Twitter chats going on for celiacs?
God Bless, have a good week, y'all. I'll be back soon.